There's an old Australian stockman, lying, dying. He gets himself up on one elbow, turns to his mates, who are gathered round, and he says:
Watch me wallaby's feed, mate, watch me wallaby's feed. They're a dangerous breed, mate, so watch me wallaby's feed. All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl, Keep me cockatoo cool. Don't go acting the fool, Curl, Keep me cockatoo cool. All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Take me koala back, Jack, Take me koala back. He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac, So take me koala back. All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Mind me platypus duck, Bill, Mind me platypus duck. Don't let him go running amuck, Bill, Mind me platypus duck. All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Play your didgeridoo, Blue, Play your didgeridoo. Keep playing 'til I shoot through, Blue, Play your didgeridoo. All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, Tan me hide when I'm dead. So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
And that's it hanging on the shed.
All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.
Two little boys had two little toys Each had a wooden horse Gaily they played each summer's day Warriors both of course One little chap then had a mishap Broke off his horse's head Wept for his toy then cried with joy As his young playmate said
Did you think I would leave you crying When there's room on my horse for two Climb up here Jack and don't be crying I can go just as fast with two When we grow up we'll both be soldiers And our horses will not be toys And I wonder if we'll remember When we were two little boys
Long years had passed, war came so fast Bravely they marched away Cannon roared loud, and in the mad crowd Wounded and dying lay Up goes a shout, a horse dashes out Out from the ranks so blue Gallops away to where Joe lay Then came a voice he knew
Did you think I would leave you dying When there's room on my horse for two Climb up here Joe, we'll soon be flying I can go just as fast with two Did you say Joe I'm all a-tremble Perhaps it's the battle's noise But I think it's that I remember When we were two little boys
Do you think I would leave you dying There's room on my horse for two Climb up here Joe, we'll soon by flying Back to the ranks so blue Can you feel Joe I'm all a tremble Perhaps it's the battle's noise But I think it's that I remember When we were two little boys
> Just like the inside of any big shop, people were everywhere, Suddenly business was brought to a stop when a terrible yell hit the air... [chorus] I've lost my mummy, a-ha-ha-haaaa, I've lost my mummy. [deep, indrawn sob] I've lost my mummy, a-ha-ha-haaaa, I've lost my mummy! ub, ub hup ub hup hup ub hup hup ub. People all gathered to look at the lad, patted him on the head. [Woman] Where was your mummy, when you saw her last? Turning to her the boy said... [repeat chorus] Down came the manager to fix up the mess, took the small boy aside, [Manager] Come on now lad, let's have your name and address, With a lungful of air he replied... [repeat chorus] Well just then his mother appeared on the spot, gave him a hefty whack [sound of smack] [Mother] That oughta teach you to go and get lost! and the little boy's voice floated back... I've FOUND my mummy, a-ha-ha-haaaa, I've found my mummy. [deep, indrawn sob] I've found my mummy, a-ha-ha-haaaa, I've found my mummy! No mummy, I don't wanna go, no mummy I don't wanna, no mummy! [applause]
> [Chorus:] I'm Jake the Peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um With my extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um Wherever I go through rain and snow The people always let me know There's Jake the peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um With his extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle The day that I born (oh boy) my father nearly died He couldn't get my nappies on, how matter how he tried 'Cos I was born with an extra leg, and since that day begun I had to learn to stand on my own three feet Believe me that's no fun [Chorus] I had a dreadful childhood really, I s'pose I shouldn't moan Each time they had a three legged race, I won it on me own And also I got popular, when came the time for cricket They used to roll my trousers up And use me for the wicket [Chorus] I was a dreadful scholar, I found all the lessons hard The only thing I knew for sure, was three feet make a yard To count to ten I used me fingers, if I needed more By getting my shoes and socks off I could count to twenty four I'm Jake the [stops to count] ...to twenty five I'm Jake the peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um With my extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um Whatever I did they said was false They said ""quick march"" I did the quick waltz Then they shouted at me ""put your best foot forward"" - but which foot? I said ""it's very fine for you, you only got a choice of two"" But me, I'm Jake the Peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um With the extra leg... diddle-iddle-iddle-um
There's a lake in south Australia, little lake with lovely name And the story woven round it, from the piccaninnies came Every night the native mothers croon this lovely lullaby, Croon across the moonlit waters, to the star up in the sky
Carra Barra Wirra Canna, little star upon the lake Guide me through the hours of darkness, keep me safely till I wake
Piccaninnies' heads are nodding, drowsy crooning fills the air. Little eyes at last are closing, And the boat of dreams is there. Guide my boat across the waters, Cross the waters still and deep, Light me with your little candle, safely to the land of sleep
Carra Barra Wirra Canna, little star upon the lake Guide me through the hours of darkness, keep me safely till I wake
It's lonesome away from your kindred and all By the campfire at night where the wild dingoes call But there's nothing so lonesome, morbid or drear Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer. Now the publican's anxious for the quota to come And there's a faraway look on the face of the bum The maid's gone all cranky and the cook's acting queer Oh what a terrible place is a pub with no beer. Then the stockman rides up with his dry dusty throat He breasts up to the bar and pulls a wad from his coat But the smile on his face quickly turns to a sneer As the barman says sadly ""The pub's got no beer."" Then the swaggy comes in smothered in dust and flies He throws down his roll and rubs the sweat from his eyes But when he is told he says ""What's this I hear? I've trudged fifty flamin' miles to a pub with no beer"". There's a dog on the verandah for his master he waits But the boss is inside drinking wine with his mates He hurries for cover and he cringes in fear It's no place for a dog round a pub with no beer. Old Billy the blacksmith the first time in his life Has gone home cold sober to his darling wife He walks in the kitchen she says ""You're early my dear"" But then he breaks down and he tells her ""The pub's got no beer"". It's lonesome away from your kindred and all By the campfire at night where the wild dingoes call But there's nothing so lonesome, morbid or drear Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer.
Spoken ( Waltzing Matilda is a song about an Australian Hobo I guess you'd call him. He wanders through the bush land of Australia and he takes all his meagre belongings wrapped up in an old blanket which is strung across his shoulders with an old piece of twine and this is called his swag. Hence the name swagman. Now affectionately or otherwise he refers to his swag as Matilda, its like his only companion as he wanders through the bush tracks he finds himself talking to it as if its a real person. So the term Waltzing Matilda is nothing to do with dancing at all, it means in fact carrying this thing on your back through the long lonely stretches of the Australian bush. Couple of other terms quickly, pay attention because I will be asking questions afterwards about this, couple of other terms. A billabong is a pool of deep water, a billy is a little tin can they boil the tea in, a jumbuck is a sheep, err tucker bag is a bag for carrying tucker, food bag tucker is food sort of like a knapsack. What else the squatter is the big land owner, that's enough lets get on with the song.)
Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong Under the shade of a Coolibah tree And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled You'll come a waltzing Matilda with me
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me
Then down came a jumbuck to drink at that billabong Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me
Then down came the squatter mounted on his thoroughbred Down came the troopers one two three Right-o where's that jolly jumbuck that you've got in your tucker bag? You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me Right-o where's that jolly jumbuck that you've got in your tucker bag? You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me
So up jumped the swagman and he sprang into that billabong You'll never take me alive said he And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong You'll come a-waltz ....
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me
And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me
I love to have a beer with Duncan I love to have a beer with Dunc. We drink in moderation And we never ever ever get rollin' drunk We drink at the Town and Country Where the atmosphere is great I love to have a beer with Duncan 'Cause Duncan's me mate, yeah
I love to have a beer with Colin I love to have a beer with Col. We drink in moderation And it doesn't really matter if he brings his doll We drink at the Town and Country Where the atmosphere is great I love to have a beer with Colin 'Cause Colin's me mate, mm-mm-mm
I love to have a beer with Kevin Oh I love to have a beer with Kev. We drink in moderation And he drives me home in his big old Chev. We drink at the Town and Country Where the atmosphere is great I love to have a beer with Kevin 'Cause Kevin's me mate
I love to have a beer with Patrick I love to have a beer with Pat We drink in moderation And it wouldn't really matter if the beer was flat We drink at the Town and Country Where the atmosphere is great I love to have a beer with Patrick 'Cause Patrick's me mate - Change key
I love to have a beer with Robert I love to have a beer with Bob We drink in moderation Just one more and back on the job We drink at the Town and Country Where the atmosphere is great I love to have a beer with Robert 'Cause Robert's me mate
I love to have a beer with Duncan Oh I love to have a beer with Dunc. We drink in moderation And we never ever ever get rollin' drunk We drink at the Town and Country Where the atmosphere is great I love to have a beer with Duncan 'Cause Duncan's me mate I love to have a beer with Duncan 'Cause Duncan's me mate
> I am a mouse called Maximillian Mouse And I live in my Maximillian...Mouse house I'm very well bred I'm pure Castillian mouse And I come from a long long long long long long line of Castillian mouses Ole! But it always has been perilous Crossing the arena to the supermarkets Where I buy my cheese.. It's regularly perilous When I think of bull-fights There's a quaking in my knees I've always had A taste for colourful things And this day I was wearing my red cortocaportocontrezbutonizonalado e sulapa ancocobosiasacadelamanorajo et plato del toros dressing gown I must confess I've been in gullible rings For the bull, when he saw what I wore Came rushing at me Ol... (clear throat) Ole. But if you think that because I am small I am puny You are wrong I stood my ground I did not move I could not move The picador's horse was standing on my tail So swiftly I turned and I nipped him in the fetlocks He was most embarrassed But for the moment I was free I pirouette to safety and the bull thunders past me brrrah Then, I hear the trumpet call for the death I have resolved to dispatch Senor Toros with the classic pass of the dead one The crowd screamed ""No, no!"" but I plant my feet firmly, one (stamp), and two (stamp) (quietly) Three (stamp), four (stamp) Then, from ten yards away I called the bull to me Toros! He comes rushing towards me! (bang, crash) (Smugly) I tripped him... I am a mouse called Maximillian Mouse And I live in my Maximillian...Mouse house I'm very well bred I'm pure Castillian mouse And I come from a long long long long long long line of Bull-fighting mouses Ole!
Now the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. All together, now the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. Now the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. Now the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. Now the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. All together, now the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. Now the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. Now the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by.
Now the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. [Repeat 4 times]
Now the fascinating witches who put the scintilating stiches in the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus, were just passing by. [Repeat 4 times]
Now if you want to take some pictures of the fascinating witches who put the scintilating stiches in the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus...
...you're too late! Because they've just... passed... by!
> This great big wolf hound's standin' starin' at me, Lickin' his chops and weighin' me up for tea. I'm the guy who don't scare easily. That's the truth, cor, look at that tooth, And he's just standin', slobberin' and pantin', Lookin' at me. They never had this great dog 'ere yesterday. 'er old man's bought it just to scare me away. I bet he's in there laughin', shoutin' 'Hooray'. And I'm scared to death, and puppy dog's breath, it's coming faster, it's gonna be disaster, I daren't run away. Her dad's got a right to object to the way I dress, I guess. But to buy a huge pup to tear me up, Look 'is jaws and 'is paws and 'is maws are all wet, It's not sweat, it's saliva, and he'll be the sole survivor. Cor, it's pure vindictiveness. So, when his great mastiff has torn me limb from limb, What'll his precious daughter think about him. I'm not very bright but I'm certainly not that dim. You see, then, her father, He'll have made me a martyr (you see). And when me head's been torn to shreds, Bet she's gonna blame him. Sounds good - Aw, I'll turned green. Still I might as well go in a blaze of glory, If you know what I mean. Just the same, I wish I had the courage to run. Either that or I wish I had a dirty great gun. Well, if I really gotta die then I better get it over and done. Cor, that dog's immense, Still, here I go, over the fence. Come on, dog, come on, treat me as lunch meat, Savage me and crunch me, here's me foot, have fun. (dog yelp, dying into distance) Here! Just what do you think you're doing? Oh, am I glad to see you - my darling! Don't you Darling me! What? Got no feelings, have ya? But... Not content with standin' there teasin' him for half an hour, ya haf'ta leap over the fence and frighten the life out of our poor little Great Dane puppy! Come here Tickles boy, Tickles! (whistles) Cor!
