Peter Sellers

Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

Just a week or two ago my dear old Uncle Bill
He went and kicked the bucket and he left me in his will
So I went around the road to see my Auntie Jane
She said: ?Your Uncle Bill has left you a watch and chain!“
So I put it on right across my derby kell
The sun was shining on it and it made me look a swell
I went out, strolling round about
A crowd of kiddies followed me and they began to shout:

?Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

I won't forget the day I went to London on the spree
I saw the mayor of London there. That's who I went to see
He came along in a carriage and a pair
I shouted: ?Come on, boys! All throw your hats up in the air!“
Just then the mayor, he began to smile
Pointed to my face and said: ?Lor Lummy, what a dial!“
Started Lord-a-mayoring, and then to my dismay
He pointed to my watch and chain and shouted to me: ?Hey

Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

I shan't forget the day I married Miss Elisa Brown
The way the people laughed at me, it made me feel a clown
I arrived in a carriage called a hack
When I suddenly discovered I'd my trousers front to back
So I walked down the aisle, dressed in style
The vicar took a look at me and then began to smile
The organ started playing. The bells began to ring
The people started laughing and the choir began to sing:

?Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

Spoken in the style of Laurence Olivier's interpretation of Richard III:

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel allright

You know I work all day
To get you money to buy you things
And it's worth it just to hear you say
You're give me everything

So why on earth should I moan?
'Cos when I get you alone
You know I'll feel okay

When I'm home
Everything seems to be right
When I'm home
Feeling you holding me tight
Tight

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel allright

Her:
Oh doctor, I'm in trouble
Him:
Well, goodness gracious me!
Her:
For every time a certain man
Is standing next to me
Him:
Mmm?
Her:
A flush comes to my face
And my pulse begins to race
It goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom
Him:
Oh!
Her:
Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Him:
Well, goodness gracious me!

Him:
How often does this happen?
When did the trouble start?
You see, my stethoscope is bobbing
To the throbbing of your heart
Her:
What kind of man is he
To create this allergy?
It goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom
Him:
Oh!
Her:
Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Him:
Well, goodness gracious me!

Him:
From New Delhi to Darjeeling
I have done my share of healing
And I've never yet been beaten or outboxed
I remember that with one jab
Of my needle in the Punjab
How I cleared up beriberi
And the dreaded dysentery
But your complaint has got me really foxed!
Her:
Oh!

Her:
Oh doctor, touch my fingers!
Him:
Well, goodness gracious me!
Her:
You may be very clever
But however
Can't you see
My heart beats much too much
At a certain tender touch
It goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom
Him:
I like it!
Her:
Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Him:
Well, goodness gracious me!

Him:
Can I see your tongue?
Her:
Aaah
Him:
Nothing the matter with it, put it away please
Her:
Maybe it's my back
Him:
Maybe it is
Her:
Shall I lie down?
Him:
Yes!
Her:
Ahhh . . .

Him:
My initial diagnosis
Rules out measles and thrombosis
Sleeping sickness and, as far as I can tell
Influenza, inflammation
Whooping cough and night starvation
And you'll be so glad to hear
That both your eyeballs are so clear
That I can positively swear
That you are well
Ja-ja, ja-ja-ja-ja!

Her:
Put two and two together
Him:
Four
Her:
If you have eyes to see
The face that makes my pulses race
Is right in front of me
Him:
Oh, there is nothing I can do
For my heart is jumping too
Both:
Oh, we go boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom
Her:
Goodness gracious!
Him:
How audacious!
Her:
Goodness gracious!
Him:
How flirtatious!
Her:
Goodness gracious!
Him:
It is me!
Her:
It is you?
Him:
Ah, I'm sorry, it is us!
Both:
Ahhh!

Him:
I met 'er down in Napoli and didn't she look great
And so I brought 'er back to Blighty just to show me mates
And though we're married 'appily, I'll tell ya furthermore
I 'aven't 'ad a decent meal since Nineteen-Forty-Four!

Her:
Eat your minestrone, Joe!
Him:
That's all you ever say!
Her:
Eat your macaroni, Joe!
Him:
Ev'ry blinkin' day!
Her:
No wonder you're so boney, Joe
And skinny as a rake!
Him:
Well then, give us a bash at the bangers and mash me muvver used to make!

Him:
Bangers and mash
Her:
Minestrone
Him:
Bangers and mash
Her:
Macaroni
Him:
Give us a bash at the bangers and mash me muvver used to make!

Her:
Eat your tagliatelli, Joe!
Him:
That's all I've 'eard for years!
Her:
Eat your vermicelli, Joe!
Him:
It's comin' out me ears!
Her:
You've got to fill your belly, Joe!
Joe, for heaven's sake!
Him:
Well then, give us a bash at the bangers and mash me muvver used to make!
Her:
Well, alright!

Him:
Bangers and mash
Her:
Tagliatelli
Him:
Bangers and mash
Her:
Vermicelli
Him:
Ah, give us a bash at the bangers and mash me muvver used to make!

(Spoken. All voices by Sellers):
American reporter:
Nineteen-Forty-Three, Allied Forces land in Italy!
1st soldier:
There's a smashin'-lookin' bird over there, Bert. I think she's showin' out there.
2nd soldier:
Well, why don't you chat 'er up then?
1st soldier:
Right! Bongourno Signorina now. 'Ere, are you married?
Italian Girl:
(Unintellible reply)
1st soldier:
There y'are. Can't 'ave a fairer answer than that, can ya!

Her:
I met him back in Italy, so dashing and good-looking
He wined me and he dined me ev'ry night
He said I smiled so prettily and how he loved my cooking
But since he's married me, it seems he's lost his appetite

Him (Italian accent):
Eat your tagliatelli, Joe!
Her (Cockney accent):
That's all you ever say! Ooohhhhh!
Him:
Eat your vermicelli, Joe!
Her:
Ev'ry bloomin' day!
Him:
You've a-got to fill your belly, Joe!
Joe, for heaven's sake!
Her:
Well then, give us a bash at the bangers and mash your muvver used to make!

Him:
Bangers and mash
Her:
Minestrone
Him:
Bangers and mash
Her:
Macaroni
Him:
Give me a bash with the bangers and mash!
Her:
(Laughing)
Him:
Like the same one what your mother was!
Her:
(Laughing)
Him:
What you laughing at now?
Her:
(Laughing)
Him:
(Indistinct)
. . . . . Please!

- - - -

Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

Just a week or two ago my dear old Uncle Bill
He went and kicked the bucket and he left me in his will
So I went around the road to see my Auntie Jane
She said: ?Your Uncle Bill has left you a watch and chain!“
So I put it on right across my derby kell
The sun was shining on it and it made me look a swell
I went out, strolling round about
A crowd of kiddies followed me and they began to shout:

?Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

I won't forget the day I went to London on the spree
I saw the mayor of London there. That's who I went to see
He came along in a carriage and a pair
I shouted: ?Come on, boys! All throw your hats up in the air!“
Just then the mayor, he began to smile
Pointed to my face and said: ?Lor Lummy, what a dial!“
Started Lord-a-mayoring, and then to my dismay
He pointed to my watch and chain and shouted to me: ?Hey

Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

I shan't forget the day I married Miss Elisa Brown
The way the people laughed at me, it made me feel a clown
I arrived in a carriage called a hack
When I suddenly discovered I'd my trousers front to back
So I walked down the aisle, dressed in style
The vicar took a look at me and then began to smile
The organ started playing. The bells began to ring
The people started laughing and the choir began to sing:

?Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron!“

Spoken in the style of Laurence Olivier's interpretation of Richard III:

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel allright

You know I work all day
To get you money to buy you things
And it's worth it just to hear you say
You're give me everything

So why on earth should I moan?
'Cos when I get you alone
You know I'll feel okay

When I'm home
Everything seems to be right
When I'm home
Feeling you holding me tight
Tight

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel allright