Bedhead

It's always this year's gift
Is it ever what I wanted
Was I unhappy living in the past
Has my growth been that stunted
When to be ashamed is to be defined
And all this self awareness
The blind led by the blind
An empty conscience is sensitivity
I have to pretend I'm overcome with humility
It always comes on time
Not a second before the instant
But this year I think I'd rather be a relic
Than part of the present

the bed at night is a life raft in the ocean of the dark. i hang my hands over the sides, pray to god knows what.

drifting somewhere in the black air, feeling only the blanket and the weight of the mattress. the mistress of the sheets.

too many successive nights of being miserable
give one the sense to sense the invisible. i know you're in this room but the air is too thick.

the bed at night is a life boat, a throne off which you can't be thrown. i hang my hands and feet over the sides and go into the space of what can never be known.

you want to talk about things you won't understand? then give me your ears. put them in my hands. give me your hands. put them over my ears so i don't have to hear a thing i say
if it makes me think.

i can't talk about things i don't understand so i leave it here in empty hands and i leave off the ink so i don't have to think or sink that low ever again.

because my memory of what's good is leaving me. i knew it would.

that part of me makes no sense.
that part of me is my conscience.

you cut your head on the bedside table.
your temple bled as you were unable to remember
the lines of what you were reading
about someone deciding to quit speaking.

what i was just reading
about someone deciding to quit speaking
began to dissolve into my lap
as the words gave up their attempts at meaning.

To be crushed is not to be
hit and then left to recover
it's to be left untouched
unable to pass from one place to another


To be crushed is not to be
held down by some minor influence
it's to be left alone
with nothing to understand
...

To be drowning is not to be
suffered as some cruel fate
it should be taken as a blessing
maybe even a gift from god


But I've never seen him give anything away
and I've never known him to have anything to say
which is why I've never felt any real need to pray

i told myself to relax and dipped my fingers in hot candle wax. then i rolled the wax into a ball
over an inch wide but one inch tall. it was lopsided like the earth, or my head right after birth. so i flattened the ball into pancake and thought of better things that i might make. everytime god makes a fist, he thinks of better things he's missed and how he has messed up. the earth is flat or so i made it. even though the world prevents it. so everybody, run to the ends and jump off. it's safe. we've made space bend like wax. just float and relax.

What was once so real
now doesn't even exist
and now the memories are going
so just the feelings persist


And what thoughts come back
I sometimes try to resist
the last of your strength fell apart first
in your fist


And I had no idea
I had any ideas
sometimes I think
I've never thought about anything
...

It was warm when you held me
when you dropped down beside me
but I saw your face turn to powder
in a year


And did it do any good
to have anyone tell you
that things weren't as bad
as they had actually become


And did it make things worse
when you hand was held
it was the best for everyone
but you

floating up to the hole in the sky, to the casual wink of uranus's wandering eye. i looked down somewhere over europe and let down a rope with zeus on my side. kypress was pointing her bony finger at the hole she'd make in turkey's belly. kithira could hear nothing else but the noise of laconia's engulfing war yell. is she tartarean again today with her aphrodisiac the tarantella sway. in anagogical vision i am what i see. in anaclitical remission there's nothing more to be. and i hit a wall with all i had. a start even with the first kiss
it ended in a scream of pain. i broke every bone in the red fist. so i face it. she makes the world spin. she makes all of us somehow kin. and makes everything the same as it's always been. so i've let down my rope to reel anyone in. and uranus's scrotum's a totem pole in the middle of washington state. it tells the story of what went down in our house. it tells the story of our lust-driven, bearded, beautiful fate.

The dying roaches lying upside down
send messages to their families
their antennae tap the floor
like the top few hairs on a father's head
blowing in a cold wind
I'm not coming home tonight
or any other night they send
as they rest stuck on their backs
...

Running through the memories of their lives they wait
ignoring the sound of other little feet
crawling to feed off of their helpless decaying bodies
they ask for forgiveness
as their legs are spread apart
as their bellies are chewed open
as the blood leaves their heads
their final words are spoken

your living will harden as there's more time to kill each cell. each day that you dwell on a sense of life that threatens response will little regard
on a sense of pain against which god is no guard.
and I pray for you as you asked me to, but still I wonder what good it will do. I pray for you as you told me to, even though I know it does.
no good will come from this.
no thought could ever defend a body that lies in conscious decay.
if I could sign my name with the fluid that comes from my bones,
if I could sign over half of myself,
I'd do it for you.
you'd never ask me to, but still I'd wonder what good it would do.
I'd do it for you
as you told me not to.
even thought I know it does no good for your living will, no good for living well.
'cause your god for your living will is no good for living well.

wind. the wind
begin to ascend.
reach for anything,
as the air has no end.

but soon, you'll wind
down through the air
with only the cold, hard ground
meeting you there.

feel the soil
running through your nose.
it's a wound down music box
that doesn't know how it goes.

it's a simple memory
that falls apart as it grows.
it's a simple memory
that falls apart as it grows.

now that picture is cracked
and the color is gone.
and the last thing I remember
I can no longer see.
there's a tree that grows into
a tree that collapses.
but from there, it goes off
into the scenery.

I don't know if it's worth it
I don't know if I should keep trying
when most signs point to giving up
if there were someone to take advice from
would he say give up

Am I losing what should be mine
I don't know if I really mind
or am I misusing what's not mine
what's really never mine

Everything moves too fast
that's why there's so much still left in the past
I know I don't want to be overlooked
but am I sure how long this should last

I went out to look for you
I wasn't sure what you might do
but mostly I just wanted to save you
to do something you wouldn't expect me to

I had to wake up my head first
my body had a few more minutes
and my throat was dying of thirst
of course I should have known the morning would be this way
but there was no use ignoring
the rest of the day

Since people are dying in almost every possible place
I'd rather not leave the bed here with you
since there's a dead black cat scattered on my street
I'd rather stay here
under the sheets

There was a parade outside the window with no cars
just dead cats being pulled
by horses with blinds over their eyes
I'm sure we could see ourselves rolling in the cats
when the carts moved back and forth
hitting the holes in the street

I'm leaving what I made behind
I'll have to let it speak for itself
Just make sure that I'm remembered
Not for good or bad just not forgotten

If I could lift my arm I'd grab yours
If I could open my eyes I wouldn't do it
I'll never know what it's like to feel safe again

How can you not see me lying here?
How can you not respond?
If you could hear me you'd do something
At least give me a reason to let go

From where I am I can smell the smoke
They're burning something - I don't want to know
Should I really sit here and wait
and hope it blows the other way

I wish I could see
and turn off my lungs when I run into poisoned air
which may finally be everywhere

I don't want to go to sleep
I don't even think I need it
Keep every light turned on
because it seems darker than ever

All the murderous greed
ignored by the ones with too many reasons
for keeping things running
If I blame them for anything
it's nothing more than I blame on myself

The light burned out
I couldn't see how to change it
I couldn't move at all
and thought I might slip and fall
so I decided to stand there
and wait until morning

In the dark
do things make a difference
in the emptiness
do things ever change

With a short fuse and Chinese directions
I think you'll light yourself on fire
because a Roman Candle's got no direction
it just waits to expire

And I know it takes a new addiction
to keep you from what you're addicted to
which is why I wish I could find a distraction
whose efficacy is tried and true

This person who thinks this is what I look like
well it's as though you were drunk for years
and if I didn't know better
I'd say I'd never seen better from you

We try to laugh a lot
thinking there's nothing more
when nothing feels like living
just waiting for something more

There's blood on the table cloth
it's there on the pillow case
Leave it all here
leave this place
it's not the same
When there's nothing to do but try to act like nothing's changed

Just relax
just stop thinking
Put it out
if you know it's too much
I don't know
that's all I can say
and it means nothing
because I'm not in your place

I left thinking that I would be back
but I never did return
if you would forgive me I'd forgive myself
but forgiveness never has these terms
the sky was as dark as the thoughts I was thinking
it was ignored by the moon
if you would believe me I'd believe myself
but believing never comes this soon

The streets made a sound only my ears could hear
I was alone with the rats and raccoons
and your memory keeping me alive
as the clouds moved away from the moon
then silence it hit me is a way to speak clearly
a way to never say what you don't mean
but silence is useless in cases of torture
it just says God won't intervene

And this night like others is a sign for the way
that the gray air speaks for the dead
the air is as vague as the thoughts I have now
that these memories are just in your head
so I kept walking through the clouds that were lifting
to reveal what I'd thought
there was more fog behind the mist that seemed was the only
thing keeping me from what I sought

I turned around to walk back to the place
I had left thinking I would find
answers to the questions that I shouldn't ask
but the questions can't find a way to leave me behind

Looking at this empty room
Hearing these sounds
Whose distance I can't measure
Through these walls
I heard, this is someone's expression
It's no use
I tried to look at this I know I can't hide it
The specters are rabid
And it's this room that they inhabit

Half sunk in the mud
With one eye showing
A cracked smile
And hair still growing
Your hands miles apart
As if they'd never met
You were the happiest
I'd seen you yet

More than ever it seems true to say
Things won't always be this way
The ways we've thought to get this far
Are as outdated as we are

But I won't change it and neither will you
When what seemed the appropriate are now the wrong things to do
If in every act there's something good
I haven't done all the good things I could

And more than ever I know that's not true
Are there any good thing left to do?
Are there any right ways left to be?
That's not a question best left to me

Cause I won't say anything I should decide
If intentions aren't possible to hide
I won't act any way I don't
Want to reveal if you won't

I wiped away the sweat on my face
And I looked around the room
There was nothing out of place
But nothing was happening too soon
I could see the empty chair
Leaning against its shadow
Even though there was nothing there
There was something in my eyes followed
Like marks across the sky
Erased as they're made
I could see people going by
Through the moonlit shade
But no one stopped to look
Through the blinds on the window
I guess they all took
Me for someone they don't know

A parade falls apart
When the music slows down
When the streets are in knots
But there's no one left in town
When the sweat leaves your face
And the fear leaves your knees
And you live in this place
Where you live with complete ease

What have you done
How could you be so
So many times
Accidents don't happen this much
Not this time every day
It's such a bad excuse
To wait for tomorrow
To think another day's
Enough to wait for the next

Do you really need time
You know I can't leave
Though you hate to hear this every night
I can't keep you unaware
Of the time that you have
After how long you've asked
I can't make you forget
...

I've forgotten to say
So many things
Too many times
Complete all the half thoughts
That were only half mine
About how if nothing happened
That it was meant to be
I can't believe what kind of things
I made myself believe

If I take my own advice
It will always only show
The meaning it's lacked
If I found a new conviction
Will you and I start to feel it
Slip out of our hands

Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme ways I know, will part
The colors of my sea
Perfect color me

Extreme ways that help me
They help me out late at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any light
Dirty basements, dirty noise
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it planned

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

Extreme times that told me
They held me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me alone

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things to cover me
Too much can make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I would stand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

If my head's on my shoulder

Then I'm getting older

My face didn't look like this

Last year


I can see it clearly

but the change seems early

The only thing that makes me look back

Is nostalgia
...

Are your eyes getting wiser

With compliments I know I'm a miser

But the only thing that makes me look forward

Is forgetting

It's always this year's gift
Is it ever what I wanted
Was I unhappy living in the past
Has my growth been that stunted
When to be ashamed is to be defined
And all this self awareness
The blind led by the blind
An empty conscience is sensitivity
I have to pretend I'm overcome with humility
It always comes on time
Not a second before the instant
But this year I think I'd rather be a relic
Than part of the present

the bed at night is a life raft in the ocean of the dark. i hang my hands over the sides, pray to god knows what.

drifting somewhere in the black air, feeling only the blanket and the weight of the mattress. the mistress of the sheets.

too many successive nights of being miserable
give one the sense to sense the invisible. i know you're in this room but the air is too thick.

the bed at night is a life boat, a throne off which you can't be thrown. i hang my hands and feet over the sides and go into the space of what can never be known.

you want to talk about things you won't understand? then give me your ears. put them in my hands. give me your hands. put them over my ears so i don't have to hear a thing i say
if it makes me think.

i can't talk about things i don't understand so i leave it here in empty hands and i leave off the ink so i don't have to think or sink that low ever again.

because my memory of what's good is leaving me. i knew it would.

that part of me makes no sense.
that part of me is my conscience.

you cut your head on the bedside table.
your temple bled as you were unable to remember
the lines of what you were reading
about someone deciding to quit speaking.

what i was just reading
about someone deciding to quit speaking
began to dissolve into my lap
as the words gave up their attempts at meaning.

your unhappy accidents want a word with you. your tenants of contingency want to speak to you. these conditions deserve attention. this place where we live in unhealthy.

everyone deserves decency.

this is the kind of place you wouldn't drag you mother into.. even though everyone's mother brought everyone here.

but if i had been in her place,
i can't say i wouldn't have done things the same.

no word's more misused than "absurd," but no word's more absurd than "misused." so fix this place. the ceiling's leaking from everywhere. bricks and beams are falling from the sky.

and no one deserves to live here.

To be crushed is not to be
hit and then left to recover
it's to be left untouched
unable to pass from one place to another


To be crushed is not to be
held down by some minor influence
it's to be left alone
with nothing to understand
...

To be drowning is not to be
suffered as some cruel fate
it should be taken as a blessing
maybe even a gift from god


But I've never seen him give anything away
and I've never known him to have anything to say
which is why I've never felt any real need to pray

i told myself to relax and dipped my fingers in hot candle wax. then i rolled the wax into a ball
over an inch wide but one inch tall. it was lopsided like the earth, or my head right after birth. so i flattened the ball into pancake and thought of better things that i might make. everytime god makes a fist, he thinks of better things he's missed and how he has messed up. the earth is flat or so i made it. even though the world prevents it. so everybody, run to the ends and jump off. it's safe. we've made space bend like wax. just float and relax.

What was once so real
now doesn't even exist
and now the memories are going
so just the feelings persist


And what thoughts come back
I sometimes try to resist
the last of your strength fell apart first
in your fist


And I had no idea
I had any ideas
sometimes I think
I've never thought about anything
...

It was warm when you held me
when you dropped down beside me
but I saw your face turn to powder
in a year


And did it do any good
to have anyone tell you
that things weren't as bad
as they had actually become


And did it make things worse
when you hand was held
it was the best for everyone
but you

floating up to the hole in the sky, to the casual wink of uranus's wandering eye. i looked down somewhere over europe and let down a rope with zeus on my side. kypress was pointing her bony finger at the hole she'd make in turkey's belly. kithira could hear nothing else but the noise of laconia's engulfing war yell. is she tartarean again today with her aphrodisiac the tarantella sway. in anagogical vision i am what i see. in anaclitical remission there's nothing more to be. and i hit a wall with all i had. a start even with the first kiss
it ended in a scream of pain. i broke every bone in the red fist. so i face it. she makes the world spin. she makes all of us somehow kin. and makes everything the same as it's always been. so i've let down my rope to reel anyone in. and uranus's scrotum's a totem pole in the middle of washington state. it tells the story of what went down in our house. it tells the story of our lust-driven, bearded, beautiful fate.

The dying roaches lying upside down
send messages to their families
their antennae tap the floor
like the top few hairs on a father's head
blowing in a cold wind
I'm not coming home tonight
or any other night they send
as they rest stuck on their backs
...

Running through the memories of their lives they wait
ignoring the sound of other little feet
crawling to feed off of their helpless decaying bodies
they ask for forgiveness
as their legs are spread apart
as their bellies are chewed open
as the blood leaves their heads
their final words are spoken

your living will harden as there's more time to kill each cell. each day that you dwell on a sense of life that threatens response will little regard
on a sense of pain against which god is no guard.
and I pray for you as you asked me to, but still I wonder what good it will do. I pray for you as you told me to, even though I know it does.
no good will come from this.
no thought could ever defend a body that lies in conscious decay.
if I could sign my name with the fluid that comes from my bones,
if I could sign over half of myself,
I'd do it for you.
you'd never ask me to, but still I'd wonder what good it would do.
I'd do it for you
as you told me not to.
even thought I know it does no good for your living will, no good for living well.
'cause your god for your living will is no good for living well.

wind. the wind
begin to ascend.
reach for anything,
as the air has no end.

but soon, you'll wind
down through the air
with only the cold, hard ground
meeting you there.

feel the soil
running through your nose.
it's a wound down music box
that doesn't know how it goes.

it's a simple memory
that falls apart as it grows.
it's a simple memory
that falls apart as it grows.

now that picture is cracked
and the color is gone.
and the last thing I remember
I can no longer see.
there's a tree that grows into
a tree that collapses.
but from there, it goes off
into the scenery.