Aaron held his peace, so may I (Leviticus 10:3). Please don't think that I'm overcoming great obstacles of disinclination (James 1:2). If you only knew. If I only knew like I wanted to. Though the melody seems tainted, it's the words that carry the hope (Psalm 119:105). Because I walked into the room and laid my head on the hands in which I find inscribed the letters of my name (Isaiah 49:16). There's a certain tension in longing. One that paralyzes fear. One that finds hope in the promises, and in brokenness is complete.
> I could not come this time and stand on my feet. I just thought of you and sank. "I'm tough, I'm tough," I told myself...but I fell apart. Thin arms cling lightly to my sunken chest. I hold my breath. Your sad eyes droop with hopelessness, and I feel like I'm dying with you. And I hold your toothpick ribcage. And I pray aloud into your ear, "Lord what would you have of me? To plead before You for this child? Why does faith seem so foreign to me now?" Every time I see your beautiful faces in my thoughts, or in something I see, may faith stand firm. Let it grow from grace I have received and know that this grace abounds to you so far away.
I resisted coming here, to open the harbors that guard my heart (Jeremiah 23:24). Abide with me, fast falls the even tide. This darkness deepens, Lord with me abide. And what does not flow freely from You? Am I convicted of what I say? Forgive me of this pride that knows Your redemption yet shamelessly walks away. And now my life ebbs away. Night pierces my bones, and these gnawing pains never rest. And how I long for that day (when I will return to ashes and dust)(Job 30:17-19). If my steps turn from the path, or if my heart has been led by my eyes, or if my hands have been defiled, then may others reap what I have sown (Job 31:7-8). Better that I dwell in the house of the Lord who upholds all those who fall than reap this harvest of a life waged in the flesh. And what do I gain but the exchange of the truth for a lie? And a heart conditioned not to feel, callused by the nature of my pride? And now my life ebbs away.
> Is this called discontent? Like the meaning behind the father's proud and angry stroll into the church with the mother s traggling behind with the child, they both smiled. When they reached for the door they were happy again. Grim faces mope about (they ask), ""How shall we live today?"" They walk back-first through the crowds in rooms, looking only for a faster way to advance and pay, throw the deadliest smiles, such things that will never suffice. Their spirits cry, ""All I want to hear is that I'm ok. But the light burns me."" To these people I owe my greatest apologies, for I have been made aware of their needs but I'm afraid that I might share His disgrace. In these thoughts the truth is stripped away. Peeled and peeled away.But because of His great love, we are not consumed. His compassions never fail. His mercies are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness Lord unto me (Leviticus 3:22-23).
I awoke from a dream. I was flying home. The wind wailed on my wings, and my strength was waning. And I knew wherefrom rescue would come, but I scarcely called. Then the sun's rays fell upon me there. Raining, reigning...(and to the ground) a sobering descent. From the dust I'm sure my voice was heard on desolate heights, weeping (Jeremiah 3:21). "Break up your fallow groundand do not sow among thorns" (Jeremiah 4:3). "You shall call me, "My Father," and not turn away from me" (Jeremiah 3:19). As my Father has cared for me to this end (Matthew 10:29-31), how much more will He care for you? O Israel, return (Jeremiah 3&4).
