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Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle And this'll help things turn out for the best. Don't grumble, give a whistle. And.... Always look on the bright side of life, (whistle) Always look on the bright side of life, (whistle) There's something you've forgotten, If life seems jolly rotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing. And... Always look on the bright side of life. (whistle) Come on... And death's the final word, Always look on the bright side of life... For life is quite absurd, You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin, Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow. Give the audience a grin, Just before you draw your terminal breath, So always look on the bright side of death, Life's a piece of shit, Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. When you look at it, You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the right side of life, Come on guys, cheer up. Always look on the bright side of life. Worse things happen at sea, you know. Always look on the bright side of life. I mean - what have you got to lose? you're going back to nothing. You know, you come from nothing, What have you lost? Nothing! (fade...)
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Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too. I love to hear you o-ra-lise You blow me awaaay. When I'm between your thighs, Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you, 'Till we're blown awaaaaaaaay. If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly. Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
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I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I sleep all night and I work all day.
: He's a lumberjack and he's okay, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, And have buttered scones for tea. Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, He goes to the lavatory. And has buttered scones for tea. On Wednesdays he goes shopping : He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I put on women's clothing, I like to press wild flowers. And hang around in bars. He likes to press wild flowers. Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He puts on women's clothing, And hangs around in bars. : He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. Suspendies and a bra. I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Just like my dear pappa. I wish I'd been a girlie, Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels? Suspendies...and a bra? ...he's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. ...he's a lumberjack and he's OKAAAAAAAAAAYYY. He sleeps all night and he works all day. |
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Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. It's swell to have a stiffy, Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis, From the tiniest little tadger, It's divine to own a dick, Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? To the world's biggest prick. So three cheers for you will or John Thomas, Hooray for you're one-eyed trouser snake, Your piece of pork, you're wife's best friend, Your percy or your cock, You can wrap it up in ribbions, But don't take it out in public, And you won't come back. or they will stick you in the dock, You can slip it in your sock,
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THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT KING CHARLES I IS THAT HE WAS 5'6" TALL AT THE START OF HIS REIGN, BUT ONLY 4'8" AT THE END OF IT... Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protecteur of England BECAUSE OF... PURITAN Born in 1599 and died in 1658 SEPTEMBER Was at first ONLY MP for Huntingdon He led the Ironside Cavalry at Marston Moor BUT THEN in 1644 and won. And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naisby Then he founded the new model model army Scots. And the King fled up North like a bat to the SPOKEN: BUT UNDER THE TERMS OF JOHN PIMM'S SOLEMN CHARLES I OVER TO... LEAGUE AND COVENANT, THE SCOTS HANDED KING Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protecteur of England AND HIS WARTS SEPTEMBER Born in 1599 and died in 1658 But alas OY VAY! Disagreement then broke out BETWEEN The Presbyterian Parliament and the Military To have an independent bent. who meant And so... And the Roundhead ranks The 2nd Civil War broke out And the King lost again, silly thing Faced the Cavaliers at Preston Banks STUPID GIT SPOKEN: AND CROMWELL SEND COLONEL PRIDE TO PURGE THE LEAVING BEHIND ONLY THE RUMP PARLIAMENT... HOUSE OF COMMONS OF THE PRESBYTERIAN ROYALISTS Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall To indict Charles I for...tyranny Charles was sentenced to death OOOOHHH! Even though he refused to accept that the court had...jurisdiction SAY GOODBYE TO HIS HEAD Poor King Charles laid his head on the block JANUARY 1649 Down came the axe, and... THAT COULD BE HEARD WAS A SOLITARY GIGGLE, SPOKEN: IN THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWED, THE ONLY SOUND FROM... Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protecteur of England OLE Born in 1599 and died in 1658 Then he smashed SEPTEMBER IRELAND Set up the Commonwealth AND MORE And beat the Dutch at sea In 1653 and then He crushed the Scots at Worcester He dissolved the Rump Parliament And with Lambert's consent Wrote the instrument of Government Under which Oliver was Proctector at last The end.
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I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas. I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge. I've got lots of lovely lire. Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer, And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge. PRESENTER and CHORUS: There is nothing quite as wonderful as money. There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash. Some people say it's folly, But I'd rather have the lolly. With money you can make a splash. PRESENTER: There is nothing quite as wonderful as money. CHORUS: ...Money, money, money, money. PRESENTER: There is nothing like a newly minted pound. CHORUS: ...Money, money, money, money. PRESENTER and CHORUS: Everyone must hanker For the butchness of a banker. It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round. CHORUS: 'Round, 'round, 'round. PRESENTER: You can keep your Marxist ways, For it's only just a phase, For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round. CHORUS: ...Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey! |
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Sailing Away, Sailing Away. To find, explore, the funds offshore It's fun to charter an accountant And sail the wild accountancy It can be manly in insurance, and scourge the sholls of bankruptcy. we'll up your premium semi-annually. It's all tax deductable, we're fairly incorruptable. We're sailing on the wide accountancy. Sailing Away, Sailing Away.
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Finland, Finland. The country where I want to be, Pony trekking or camping, Or just Wacthing TV, Finland, Finland, Finland. It's the country for me. Quite a long way from Cairo, Verse : You're so near to Russia. So far from Japan, Lots of miles from Vietnam. The country where I want to be, Chorus : Finland, Finland, Finland. Eating breakfast or dinner, Or snack lunch in the Hall, Finland has it all. Finland, Finland, Finland. Verse: You're so sadly neglected, A poor second to Belgium, When going abroad. And often ignored. The country where I quite want to be, Your mountains so lofty, Chorus : Finland, Finland, Finland. Your treetops so tall, Finland, Finland, Finland. Finland has it all. Repeat : Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be, Your treetops so tall, Finland, Finland, Finland. Finland has it all. Fade : Finland has it all ... Monty Python
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Inflammation of the foreskin Reminds me of your smile. For quite a little while. I've had ballanital chancroids That lovely night in June. I gave my heart to NSU I ache for you, my darling, And I hope you get well soon. My syphilitic sores. My penile warts, your herpes, Your moenelial infection, How I miss you more and more. Your dobie's itch, my scrumpox, At least we both were lying, Our lovely gonnorrhea, When we said that we were clear. Our syphilitic kisses, Sealed the secret of our tryst. You gave me scrotal pustules, With a quick flick of your wrist. Your trichovaginitis Sent shivers down my spine; I got snail tracks in my anus When your spirochetes met mine. diplococcal cephalitis, epididimitis, ballinitis, meningo myelitis, Gonoccocal urethritis, streptococcal interstitial keratitis, syphilitic choroiditis, and antertior u-ve-i-tis. Is not so bad for me, As the complete and utter failure My clapped out genitalia Every time I try to pee. My doctor says my buboes My scrotum's painted orange Are the worst he's ever seen, And my balls are turning green. My heart is very tender You might have been infected Though my parts are awful raw, But you never were a bore. I'm your spirochaetal clown, I'm dying of your love, my love I've left my body to science Gonoccocal urethritis, streptococcal But I'm afraid they've turned it down. ballinitis, meningo myelitis, diplococcal cephalitis, epididimitis, interstitial keratitis, syphilitic choroiditis, and antertior u-ve-i-tis.
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I'm so worried about what's happening today, In the Middle East, you know. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval System they've got at Heathrow. I'm so worried about the fashoins today, And I'm so worried about the shows on TV I don't think they're good for your feet. That sometimes they want to repeat. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval I'm so worried about what's happening today, System they've got at Heathrow. In the Middle East, you know. And the state of the world today. And I'm so worried about being so full of doubt I'm so worried about my hair falling out, About everything anyway. I'm so worried about modern technology, I'm so worried about all the things That they dump in the sea. Worried, worried, worried. I'm so worried about it, worried about it, I'm so worried about whether people like this song. I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong. It isn't the best that I've got. I'm so worried about this very next verse, And I'm so worried about whether I should go on Or whether I shouldn't just stop. And I'm so worried because it's the sort of thing I ought to know. I'm so worried about whether I ought to have stopped. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval System they've got at Heathrow. I'm so worried about whether I should have stopped then, I'm so worried that I'm driving everyone round the bend. System they've got at Heathrow. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval
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The background: him masturbating. Consequently, he broke the "sinner"s arm. Someone (No names, children!) walked in on his roommate and caught Whoever said that masturbation is sinful, anyway? The answer: "Every Sperm Is Sacred", Lyrics by Michael Palin and Terry Jones. The question: There are Jews in the world, there are Buddists, There are Hindus and Mormons and then There are those that follow Mohammad, but I've never been one of them. I'm a Roman Catholic, And have been since before I was born, And the one thing they say about Catholics is They'll take you as soon as you're warm. You don't have to be a six footer, You don't have to have a great brain, You don't have to have any clothes on, Every sperm is sacred, You're a Catholic the moment Dad came, because Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Every sperm is great, Every sperm is sacred, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Let the heathen spill theirs, On the dusty ground, God shall make them pay for Each sperm that can't be found. Every sperm is good, Every sperm is wanted, Every sperm is needed, In your neighborhood. Hindu, Taoist, Morman, Spill theirs just anywhere, Semen with more care. But God loves those who treat their Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is good, In your neighborhood. Every sperm is needed, Every sperm is useful, Every sperm is fine, Mine, and mine, and mine. God needs everybody's, Let the pagans spill theirs, O'er mountain, hill and plain. God shall strike them down for Each sperm that's spilt in vain. Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed, In your neighborhood. Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.
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Never be rude to an Arab, Never be rude to an Irishman, An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew, No matter what you do. Never poke fun at a Nigger, And never put down... A Spik, or a Wop, or a Kraut, (explosion!)
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Spoken: The world today seems absolutely crackers. There are fools and idiots sitting on the trigger. With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high. It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why... Intro: I like Chinese, I like Chinese, Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please. They only come up to your knees, I like Chinese, Verse: I like Chinese, There's nine hundred million of them in the world today, You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say. Chorus: I like Chinese, I like Chinese, They come from a long way overseas, But they're cute and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please. Verse: I like chinese food, The waiters never are rude, Think of the many things they've done to impress, There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching and chess. Chorus: So I like Chinese, I like Chinese, yin and yang-ese. I like their tiny little trees, Their Zen, their ping-pong, their Verse: I like Chinese thought, The wisdom that Confucious taught, The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt. If Darwin is anything to shout about, I like Chinese, Chorus: So I like Chinese, Yet they're wise and they're witty, and they're ready to please. They only come up to your knees, Verse: (in Chinese) I like Chinese, Chorus: I like Chinese, Their food is guaranteed to please, Chorus: I like Chinese, A fourteen, a seven, a nine and lychees. I like their tiny little trees, Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese. I like Chinese, Fade: I like Chinese, I like Chinese...
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A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four Half-a-bee, philosophically (Spoken): But half the bee, has got to bee Must ipso-facto half not-be. But can a bee be said to be Vis-a-vis its entity ... d'you see? Or not to be an entire bee When half the bee is not a bee Due to some ancient injury? Singing... La di di, a-one-two-three Eric The Half-A-Bee A-B-C-D-E-F-G Eric The Half-A-Bee Half asleep upon my knee Is this a-wretched demi-bee Some freak from a managerie? A-fiddle-di-dum, a-fiddle-di-dee NO! It's Eric The Half-A-Bee! Eric The Half-A-Bee Eric The Half-A-Bee Ho-ho-ho, tee-hee-hee Bisected accidentally I love this hive employ-e-e One summer afternoon by me I love him carnally He loves him carnally Semi-carnally. The end. Cyril Connolly? (Spoken): (Sings): Cyril Connolly No, semi-carnally (whistles) Oh
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Brian...the babe they called Brian, Grew up to be, Grew...grew, grew and grew, Grew up to be, A boy called Brian, This boy whose name was Brian, He had arms, and legs, and hands, and feet A boy called Brian. And he grew, grew, grew and grew, Grew up to be, Yes he grew up to be, A teenager called Brian, A teenager called Brian. Yes his face became spotty, And his face became spotty And things started to grow, And his voice dropped down low, On young Brian and so, No girl named Brian, He was certainly no, And he started to shave, Not a girl named Brian. And want to see girls, And have one off the wrist, And go out and get pissed A man called Brian. This man called Brian. The man they called Brian. This man called Brian.
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Why are we here? What's life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt? Well, tonight, we're going to sort it all out, For, tonight, it's 'The Meaning of Life'. What's the point of all this hoax? Is it the chicken and the egg time? Are we just yolks? Or, perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes. Well, a c'est 'The Meaning of Life'. Is life just a game where we make up the rules While we're searching for something to say, Or are we just simply spiralling coils Of self-replicating DN nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay. What is life? What is our fate? Is there a Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate? Is mankind evolving, or is it too late? Well, tonight, here's 'The Meaning of Life'. For millions, this 'life' is a sad vale of tears, Sitting 'round with really nothing to say While the scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils Of self-replicating DN nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay. So, just why why are we here, And just what what what what do we fear? Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear, For this is 'The Meaning of Life'. C'est le sens de la vie. This is 'The Meaning of Life'. |
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We're Knights of the Round Table, We dance when ere we're able, With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot, We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We do routines and chorus scenes We're Knights of the Round Table, But many times, we're given rhymes Our show are formidable, That are quite unsingable. We're Opera mad in Camelot, a looooooot. We sing from the diaphragm In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable, Between our quests we sequin vests, And impersonate Clark Gable. It's a busy life in Camelot, I have to push the pram a lot.
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All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot. Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom. He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid-- Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did! All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small, Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. Amen. |
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Verse: Beethoven's gone but his music lives on, And Mozart don't go shoppin' no more, You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again, And Elgar doesn't answer the door. Schbert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh, Whilst composing a long symphony, But one hundred and fifty years later, There's very little of them left to see. Chorus: They're decomposing composers, There's nothing much anyone can do, You can still hear Beethoven, But Beethoven cannot hear you. Verse: Hndel and Haydn and Rachmaninov, Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal, But nowadays no-one will serve them, And their gravy is left to congeal. Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds, With their highly original sound, The pianos they played are still working, But they're both six feet underground. Chorus: They're decomposing composers, There's less of them every year, You can say what you like to Debussy, But there's not much of him left to hear. Finish: Claude Achille Debussy, died 1918. Christophe Willebaud Gluck, died 1787. Carl Maria von Weber, not at all well 1825, died 1826. Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863, not still alive 1864. Modeste Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties, no fun anymore 1881. Johan Nepomuck Hummel, chatting away nineteen to the dozen with his mates down the pub every evening 1836, 1837 nothing. |
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How I'm missing yer You're the Doctor of my dreams With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare And your machiavellian schemes I know they say that you are very vain And short and fat and pushy but at least you're not insane Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer And wishing you were here Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer You're so chubby and so neat With your funny clothes and your squishy nose You're like a German parakeet All right so people say that you don't care But you've got nicer legs than Hitler And bigger tits than Cher Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer And wishing you were here |
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I've got two legs from my hips to the ground
And when I move them they walk around When I lift them they climb the stairs And when I shave them they ain't got hairs I've got two |
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Spoken: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. IT'S TRULY A REAL HONORABLE EXPERIENCE TO BE HERE THIS EVENING. A VERY WONDERFUL AND WARM AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT FOR YOU. ALL OF US. AND I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG: FOR ALL OF It's Christmas in Heaven, All the children sing, It's Christmas in Heaven, Hark hark those church bells ring. It's Christmas in Heaven, The snow falls from the sky... But it's nice and warm and everyone It's Christmas in Heaven, looks smart and wears a tie. There's great films on TV... And `Jaws' I, II, and III. `The Sound of Music' twice an hour There's toiletries and trains... There's gifts for all the family, There's Sony Walkman Headphone sets And the latest video games. It's Christmas it's Christmas in Heaven! Hip hip hip hip hip hooray! Every single day, Is Christmas day. It's Christmas it's Christmas in Heaven! Every single day, It's Christmas day. Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
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Whenever life get you down, Mrs. Brown, And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft, And things seem hard or tough. And you feel that you've had quite enu-hu-hu-huuuuff! Just - re-member that you're standing on a planet that's evolving It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned, and revolving at 900 miles an hour, the sun that is the source of all our power. of the Galaxy we call the Milky Way. are moving at a million miles a day, The Sun and you and me, and all the stars that we can see, In the outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour, it's 100,000 light-years side-to-side, Our Galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars, It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light-years thick, we go round every 200 million years, but out by us it's just 3000 light-years wide. We're 30,000 light-years from galactic central point, in this amazing and expanding universe. And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know, in all of the directions it can whizz, So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is. how amazingly unlikely is your birth, And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, because there's bugger all down here on Earth.
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Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spaaam!
Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spam. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am. Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!) Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!) Lovely Spaaam! Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaaaaam! |
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