| Disc 1 | ||||||
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| 1. |
| 2:12 | 
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<i>[telephone rings]</i>
I'll be up in a few! Hello? Hey, Sid, it's Alex. Just callin to wish ya a happy birthday, man. Alex, Alex, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for remembering, thank you. My pleasure. Did you do anything fun today? Nothing special. Amy made lasagna, we had cake, the kids gave me a tie and some socks, terrific. That's awesome, man. Hey, I got a gift comin your way too. I Fedex'ed it so you should probly get it tomorrow. <i>[Gasp]</i> Thank you, thank you, Alex, thank you. What is it? It's pretty cool. You'll see tomorrow. Aww, come on, give me a hint at least. Can I ride it? Can I eat it? Nope. Can I fuck it? Ahaha, no. Can it fuck me? No. Is it hairy? Is it something I can shave? No. Can it blow me? No.... Is it something I can blow? No... Can I fuck it? You already asked me that... If I take it apart, are there individual parts that I can fuck? I don't think so... Fair enough... If I sit on it for a while, will I cum? Noooo.... Is it something Amy can strap on and fuck me with? Sid! No! If I get jizz all over it, will it be ruined? I think... Does it sweat? Noo... Is it something that can be used like... a pussy? That's just another way of asking if you can fuck it... My bad... Does it get big if you touch it? No... Does it get hard if you touch it? Nooo... If my Amy catches me blowing it, will she be mad? Look, you can't blow it, man, we already talked about that... Right, okay... let's say I'm stranded on a desert island with just this item... am I getting a rim job? NO! Can I fuck it? NO, it's a toaster, man, just a toaster! Oh! So I can fuck it? In fact, two people can fuck it at the same time! Alex, ya wanna come over and fuck my toaster this weekend? Don't mind if i doo doo.... Hahaha, oh, Alex Hahaha, oh, Sid... |
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| 2. |
| 2:02 |
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You were cruisin along there, Mr. Pibb
It wasn't too painful a paddle out here to the big waves as you like to call em, Sonny! Didn't look it Actually, it was a nice wake-me-up for my laticerace muscles Water's pretty nice, huh? Boy, oh boy, the Hawaiin sea's like a warm cup of java! Temperaturo perfecto as the Africans might say! Yeah, yeah... So listen to me for a sec, when the set comes in, just stay flat on the board, pointed towards the beach. I'll tell you when to start paddelin, and keep paddelin til the wave grabs you I hear ya! Let Mother Nature do her duty! Right on... Right now! Yeah, right now... Yeah! Then when I say stand up, hop up quick like I showed ya and ride Affirmative, captain! But don't go too far right, there's a lot of nasty coral over there Well here comes a triple overheader right now! Let me tear into that sucker! I dunno, that's comin awfully steep, Pibb No steeper than that tsunami I rode back in 1928 on my grandpappy's TV tray! Let's do this! You're the boss, Pibb... Start paddelin, now! Will do! Paddle! Paddle! Paddle! Paddle, paddle, fiddle faddle! I love it! Okay, okay, you're in it, baby! Stand up! Stand up, Pibb! I'm standin! I'm standin! Whoo hoo, I'm up! Yeah, man! Way to go Pibb! I'm speedin along here! (different man) Hey, old man, you better pull out before you hit that reef! Well, thanks, amigo, but I didn't come out here for no six second ride! Bail out, Pibb! Not until I get the tube! Aaaah!!! (crashing and cracking noises) (different man from before) Oh, nasty brudda! Hang on, Pibb, I'll be right there! Oh my God, that was sick! You okay, Mr. Pibb!? Is there a doctor in the house? Oooooh!!! (another wave hits, more cracking and crashing) |
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| 3. |
| 4:17 |
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When I was just a little wee lad
I hopped on the lap of my dear old dad Something jumped and poked me good 'That' he said 'just me morning wood' A little tin soldier's marchin by Sergeant major unzips his fly Pulls his weapon from his camouflage pants Slaps away til it starts to dance A shootin star's above my bed Changin colors of my mushroom head A rainbow jizz flys across the room Little white spermies meet their doom (Ah!) The amazing Willy Wanker! (Aaaah!) The amazing Willy Wanker! And my scrotum sack he says Lalalalalala, tickle me! Little green men from outer space Here to exterminate the human race Drop their ray guns and retreat to their ships When marshmallow sauce squirts from me tip Like a knight of olden Camelot The goo takes off like an arrow shot Gwynevere drops to her knees and begs For the spittin dragon between me legs I'm using my thing for what it's for Gentle knock upon me door Mumsy drops her cup of tea When she sees my wank standing tall and free (Ah!) The one and only Willy Wanker! (Aaaaah!) Here comes Willy Wanker! And my marble sack he says Lalalalalala, tickle me! Rasberry scones and marmalade! Squeezing my squid in the evening shine! Visions of mermaids in the sky! Shooting my load in me own left eye! Gramps was a hero in the first World War But he ain't got no dick no more Comes home smokin from the corner pub Makes poor old Gramsy kiss his nub The world spins around like a big bass drum Nanny pops a pinkie in the generals bum The Irish dance and the Scotsmem howl Time to clean up with the washroom towel (Ah, yeah!) It's only Willy Wanker, yeah! (Ah!) The lonely Willy Wanker! And my wrinkled sack he says Lalalalalala, tickle me! |
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| 4. |
| 4:01 |
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Pass the fuckin ball!
What an idiot! Fuck it, I'm gonna go get another beer. You guys want one? Alright... Two Please! Oh boy... Hahahaha (phone rings) Hello?... Yeah, yeah, cool, we're all just hangin out... Alright Bye-bye... Who was that, some chicks? Nah, it was my neighbor, his robot's comin over What? Yeah, he built a robot a while ago and the robot came out gay Yo, we're out of Hunnyduffers so I grabbed a couple of Gooseheads... Okay, that's cool... Wait, so the robot's gay? Gay Robot's comin over? Yep... Oh, dude, you gotta see this, he's insane with football stats No way! (doorbell rings) It's open! Hey guys... what's up? Hey, good to see ya Gay Robot... Gay Robot in the house! Word up... what's the score, fuckers? Giants are eatin shit in the third quarter, it's 24-8 Miami... Don't worry, the Giants have phenominal fourth quarter numbers... Really? They'll come back and win by three Alright! I love it! Fuck you guys! Sorry, buddy... Who's the new guy? Oh, that's my friend John. Hey John... sweet hat! Uh... thanks... what's goin on? You know... just chillin... can I suck your dick? What? No, no, no, no, he's okay, Gay Robot... That was funny... The Gay Robot gets a little horny cause he doesn't know any gay guys around here... Oh, I see... Sorry! hehehe... Oh, I can't believe you dropped that! Do something, Henderson, you fat fuck! Hey! That was very offensive to me! Why? You're not fat... I thought you said fag! No, i wouldn't say that, I said fat... Oh, sorry! hahaha I guess if you fist fuck me, we'll be even! No, I'm not gay, Gay Robot... I thought you said you were? No... You know I never said that... I know, I was just rousing you! Good times! Good times guys! Hahahaha Hey, Gay Robot's havin a good time! So how do you think the Eagles are gonna do this season, Gay Robot? Let's find out! (whirring, beeping noises) Says here, due to injuries and irratic weather patterns, the Eagles will finish a dismal 7-9 What? No way! Deal with it The Gay Robot knows his shit, man Now will someone blow it on my face? Nobody's gay here but you, Gay Robot, so let's just watch some football, alright? Look, I'm not here to bring the party down... It's just... I run on semen... Without it, I could die... Help me to live fellas... Jerk off in my mouth immediatly... Please, my circuits are shorting... Starting to fade already... See a light... Going towards it.... hahahahah You're makin this up, Gay Robot! My bad! You got me! Hahaha... good times! Hahaahaha... So does he eat food like us... human people? Yeah, he can eat food... Ya want some tortilla chips, Gay Robot? Sounds great, John. Can I dip them in your ass? Ooh... I'm all set, thanks Hehehe... What the fuck?! The reception's all fuzzy! Are you kidding me? Don't panic... I can fix it Oh hey! That's right! I love it, work your robot magic, fix that shit! Okay, here's the problem! My man! What is it? Your cock's not in my asshole! Aww.... Maybe you should go home and take a cold shower, Gay Robot... Alright... I'll go... We'll just whack each other off and I'll bail Not gonna happen Please? Goodbye Fuck you Later Gay Robot (fly unzips) Oh no! Look what happened! My robo-cock fell out of my pants! Oh, shit, he's got a boner!! Taste it!!! (spraying sounds) Oh, oh!!! Fuckin asshole!!! Come on, Gay Robot!!! Aww, man! Later fags! (Door opens and closes) (Distant voices) Hey Gay Robot Hey Mr. Chasen... Can I suck your dick? |
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| 5. |
| 2:17 |
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Alright, Mr. Pibb, those kneepads on tight enough?
Snug as a bug in a rug playin Dig Dug, my friend! Uh huh... I'm all set to give this skitchboard a whirl! Okay, we should really put a helmet on you first... Well... helmet has the word 'hell' in it, and I don't know about you, sonny, but I ain't no sinner... No, you're not... When my time comes, I'm on my way to heaven, so I won't be puttin one of those demon contraptions on my head! Okay, Pibb... Just remember that the half pipe ain't the easiest thing to do... Never mind all that, boy! It's only half the pipe! Let's be concerned when they got the whole thing here! Right... Now can we get to the skitchboardin? Okay, okay... How bout we just get you on the board? Can do! Make sure you keep your knees bent... Can do do! Good job... Now how bout a little pushky to get me started? Okay, but go easy Hell, this is simple as a pimple! Yeah, yeah, you're doin pretty good there buddy! It's quite similar to my youth when I'd sprinkle my brother's marble collection all over the basement floor, glue a plank to my feet, and skim around all the live long day! Is that right? Oh, how my father detested that sound! I'm sure... Ho, ho Ha, yeah... you better take it down a notch there, Pibb... you're startin to pick up a little too much speed... Nonsense, check this out! Whoo, hoo! You got some air there, Pibb, lookin like a natural! It's all about the balance, and I'm darn good with that! Just ask my banker! Hahaha I'll get right on that... Say, what's the record for loop-de-loos on one of these things? Uh.....rotations? Well, ain't you fancy? Yeah, Tony Hawk did a 900 once, that's two and a half rotations... Oh, I can stick that! Don't try that, Pibb.... Here we go!!! Ahhhh!!!!! (smack!) Shit! Oh, shit! Are you alright, Mr. Pibb? Is there a doctor in the house?! |
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| 6. |
| 1:17 |
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Oh, shit, is that them crazy fucks from across town? They
didn't see me, did they? Fuck it, they headin this way! Damn! Gotta be somewhere to hide around here! No bushes, no trees, what the fuck!? I'll just hide my ass in this garbage can! There we go, safe and sound... No motherfucker's gonna find me here! Shit, I'll just wash my clothes later! (Gangsters) Where'd you run to, you candy ass motherfucker? You can hide all you want, but when we find you we still gonna fuck you up! See you tomorrow, bitch! (gunshots) No you won't, cause I'm gonna stay in my basement all day... I sure fooled them stupid fucks, hehehe... (Woman) I'll be right there honey! Just let me throw these dirty diapers out! (Man) Okay, baby (Woman) Man, they stink! That baby couldn't stop shittin today! (Man) I know, baby I don't care, baby shit don't mean nothin cause I'm safe and sound! Shit, no one can fuck with me in this tin can! I'm a motherfuckin untouchable! Yeah, yeah! |
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| 7. |
| 3:47 |
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Yo it's 2004 and all you candy asses thinkin ya'll real pussies
ya'll ain't seen shit yet eh yo man let em know Oh yeah, guess who's back it's the mother fuckin pussy with the little nutsack don't care about cheddar or the paper chase i'm a fuckin grown man with zits on my face a straight up chicken shit a pansy ass punk If i'm if i'm guarding your ass it's an automatic slam dunk while thugs are at the party bustin all ya'lls asses I'm hidin in the corner wonderin where the fuck's my glasses Can't afford no rims my my fuckin dick's so small no bitch can suck it I don't pop 9's i got weak rhymes back in 9 duce i got pissed on 10 times I roll solo i ain't got no crew i say please don't hit me more than a cow says moo afraid of heights i'm a-scared in the dark i walk an extra 3 miles to avoid crazy fucks in the park denied by the bloods, turned down by the crypts my fuckin auntie kicked my ass and she got 2 plastic hips when i step to the club feel free to stare me down because I just got re-elected the mayor of pussytown May-or-of-pus-sy-town When bangers hit the street i stay home and watch tv slumped out on the couch so no one can see unless I hear somebody knockin on my door then you'll see me crawlin cross the mother fuckin floor i've been a fuckin coward every day of my life, that's why I pretend I don't know everyone's banging my wife i won't sit on the porch, i don't want no trouble i'm more afraid of goin out than the fuckin boy in a bubble when the shit goes down i make a break so fast look like a mother fuckin rocket goin past searchin for the sneakiest place to hide straight into the ladies room, ain't got no pride slippin slidin, runnin hidin you know damn well it's a scooter i'm ridin oh no here we go, out come the glocks i take off so fast i pop out my socks you gonna fuck with me, i'll cry then run i called the cops when i got shot with a fuckin squirt gun He clams up he shuts down His pants he almost shits He'll even look the other way if you grab his grandma's tits well I had a little poodle but neighbor's stoled her i'd shoot her with an ak but the kick hurts my shoulder i can't pop no gun and i can't fist fight hell i'm afraid to take out the fuckin garbage at night I use the steps in the pool cause i'm terrified to dive don't fuck with my floaties they's whats keepin me alive, bitch never drank remy never delt crack one time I smoked weed i had a panic attack if you're looking for my dick in the mens locker room just bring your binoculars with a fuckin super zoom naw i'm just playin i don't fuckin change in there the one time I did got my bush sprayed off with nair but did I stick up for myself no fuckin doubt i did what i do best, i broke the fuck out i ain't lookin at you i ain't tryin to front it's aight with me you called my jimmy a cunt freakin sneakin crawlin creepin when the gangs are bangin i'm in the basement sleepin i'm straight from the streets seen trouble in every side when the shit hits the fan i throw on a fuckin disguise fake nose fake wig fake beard it all worked pretty good sometimes I just use a map and a funny accent and pretend I got lost in the hood mother fucker now all you coward mother fuckers out there walkin round with your head hangin low just cause you ate one dick just know my man the mayor, had to suck off his whole high school case closed May-or-of-pus-sy-town |
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| 8. |
| 0:21 | 
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| 9. |
| 3:23 |
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| 10. |
| 5:06 |
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| 11. |
| 4:42 |
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There's something I know
That no one else does You want me to tell you what it is? But if I did that then it wouldn't be, a secret I've gotta move my body tonight, I'm gonna go dancin' Dreamin' bout the nights at the club, with the fun and romancin' Mommy sees the look in my eyes, she can tell something's different Daddy doesn't understand why, but he can tell something's different I've got a secret, my own little secret No one knows my secret, cause it's a secret. Shhh don't tell, Shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell And nobody knows that my bush is cut low as I dance and I sing and I put on a show And i'm feeling so free, nothing hanging off me while the bass gets stronger I'm a half an inch longer And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin Fuckin and suckin, Fuckin and suckin! Music if fillin my body from my head to my toes The DJ gives me a smile, maybe he knows I hear whisperin from my left to my right, all over the party i'm the super-star of the night, I did somethin naughty I gave myself a haircut, don't tell I'd like to tell you where but, don't tell I've got a secret, don't tell It's my own secret I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell And I feel so special and so beautiful As I reach down and give my new friend a quick pull I'm scratchy and itchy and a little bit bitchy and if I find scissors i'd trim my friend Ritchie And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin! I can wear my pants extra low tonight My secret's gettin out of control, it's burstin out of me Gotta drop my pants to the floor, so the whole club can see The special way I trim my curlies, so fuzzy and soft Cause when my shrub is short and tight my piggie won't get lost I had a secret, don't tell But now you know my secret, don't tell I gave my bush some haircuts, don't tell To emphasize my bare nuts I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin! |
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| 12. |
| 5:08 |
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Louise?
Yes, sir? I want ya in here right now! I'll be right in. Damn straight you'll be right in What do you need, sir? What do I need? You know what I need Uh, no I don't, sir I want you to come on over here, fish my xxxx out of these trousers, and xxxx on it for a while! Sir, I don't think I can do something like that! Oh, you can and you will, bitch! Kneel down, now! What if someone comes in? You think I give a flying xxxx about that shit? You get over here and you start suckin it! Well, alright... Yeah! Yeah, that's it! Reach in there! Reach in there and get yourself some candy Okay... Okay, a little lower, though... Umm... alright... Little... little lower... Yeah? No, to the left! Left? Damn, bitch, do I gotta do everything? Pull down my pants! O.. Okay... Now the tighty whities, pull that xxxx down too Mmmm.... Watch out now, here it comes! Boing! Now what you think of that? What do I think of what? This! My ding-a-ling! Come on, play with the xxxx a little Uh, okay... Lower, baby! Gettin warmer... Okay... Let me pull the fatty rolls apart, spring that xxxx out for ya Yeah, that would help Whoop, there it is! Haha... What the xxxx is that? Play with the shit Okay... That's right, jack it up and down Well... Up and down! Well, it's hard to grab onto! Keep tryin, you thick fingered bitch! Use your pinkies! Oh, okay... I'll try that Yeah, now we got it goin on... Yeah? Let me xxxx those pinkies... Okay... Yeah... Okay... Keep pressure on the sides of it, baby, keep it sprung! Yeah! Tell me how much you love it Ooh, I love it Tell me it makes you horny Ooh, I'm gettin real horny Tell me it's bigger than a Tic Tac But it isn't! I don't give a xxxx if it is or isn't! Say it is! Alright! Your dick is bigger than a Tic Tac! Damn right, Tic Tac, cashew, thumbtack, half a grape, it's bigger than all that shit! All that xxxx put together! Now don't get crazy on me, bitch, let's keep this xxxx semi-real Aw, I like a man who shaves down here! I don't shave that shit, bitch! I'm still waitin on them weeds to bust out and grow and what not! What? You mean you haven't reached puberty? I guess the only way to get you to shutup is to throw a dick in your mouth! Okay... Well, then xxxx on that shit! Uh, okay... Mmmm... yeah, I'm suckin... suckin away here That's a pimple, you dumb twat! Ugg... Move your mouth lower! Mmmmm Oh, oh yeah, now you're on it! You're on it! I'm on it? That's it! Okay! Oh, that feels nice! Okay! Oh, hell yeah! Yeah, there you go! Oh, oh, shit, xxxxx ow!! What's wrong? It's caught between your teeth! Get it out! Get it out! I'm sorry, sir! Don't be flossin with that shit, you gap-toothed bitch! Be careful! Look, maybe I should just lick it then, okay? Do somethin! Im gonna lick it! Cause I love to lick that thing, okay? Yeah... Yeah, baby... Yeah! Yeah, you like that, baby? Oh, yeah! Whoah, whoah, whoah!!! Somethin just spewed all over my face! That was the pimple again! Oh, uh uh... Let me reiterate. Down. Lower. Bitch! Okay, you fat fuck! What's that? I'm just playin with ya, haha... Oh, you better be playin! Oh yeah, that's it, now you're on it! I'm on it? Oh, oh smoke that roast, bitch... Okay... Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down, not so fast! Oh, okay I got xxxx I wanna do to you, woman! Oh boy... Time to pull your dress off... You're gonna get fucked! I don't know, sir, I mean... is that... is that really possible? Don't give me no lip, bitch! You want me to smack you in the face with this shit? Hahahahaha "Hahaha" you laughin now? Get the xxxxxx dress off! Well, alright, but you have to promise me you're gonna use a condom You know I can't wear that shit! I do, I'm just playin! Hahahaha Condom! You've been watchin too many of those XXX movies, seein that fake dick xxxx those actors have hangin off their real dicks Those aint fake dicks, those are real big dicks! Bitch, I suppose you think Star Wars is real, too! That they really got space ships and Chewbaki and all that shit! Stupid, colorful bitch! Hahahaha! Alright, my panties are off... You gonna try to xxxx me now, or what? Try? I'm gonna xxxx your eyes crossed, you apathetic bitch! Wham, wham, wham! How you like me now, bitch, how you like me now? Is it seriously in? In? You gotta stop xxxxxx all them rhinos and blue whales! Not only is it in, but the shit's about to blow! Ooooh! Mmmm... Hope you're on the pill, bitch, cause I blew that wad all up in ya I.. I got it, it's right on the end of this hair, here Shit, yeah, clean yourself up, bitch. There's a beach towel in my bathroom I'll just use this Q-tip Whatever, just do it and get the xxxx back to work! Okay, BB Dick! What's that? I'm just playin! Bye! Shit, what a life I've got... It's good to be Mr. Peter Bodd... Damn good |
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| 13. |
| 3:29 |
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When I'm at the bus stop and you drive by in your mom's car
You tell me the bus already left Cause you're my best friend! When I'm at the locker and my shirt's buttoned wrong You tell me to fix it Cause you're my best friend Best friends tell you you got boogers on your nose Best friends don't laugh when you wear your grandpa's clothes You're my best friend! When those guys ripped up my ticket for the Mariah Carey show You told me it wasn't that great Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!) When those guys gave me the wrong directions to Mark Hagen's party You told me it wasn't that great Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!) Best friends tell you when you got Cheetos in your teeth Best friends dont ring your doorbell then punch you in the chest You're my best friend! (Best friends!) Dont call you Pit Stains or Marphy (Best friends!) Way back when you waved hello! (Best friends!) Don't hold their nose and point at you (Best friends!) Help you find your hat Oh, you're not just a friend You're my best friend (Take it!) When those mean girls stole my pants and tied me to the front gate of the school You told the teacher I was out there Why? Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!) When Mr. Koocher's dog ran at me and bit me in the stomach You were playing football so you couldn't help but I know you would've Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!) (Best friends!) Don't kneel behind you while the other guys push you (Best friends!) Don't step on your sandwiches! (Best friends!) Help you out of the caf. garbage can (Best friends!) Don't tell you that Tracy Garner wants to dance with you Oh, you're not just a friend... you're my best friend! Oh, you're not just a friend! You're my best... friend! Call me back! |
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| 14. |
| 6:08 |
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| 15. |
| 3:46 |
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My girlfriend left me for a seven foot Indian
My grandma hung herself on a tree in the Caribbean My sister's on the dope and my brother always picks his nose And Daddy's only happy when he's wearing Mama's pantyhose, yeah I just lost my job to a God damn robot (Good times!) Then my dog got in the freeze box, he ate everything I got But I've got my mule He's a very, very nice mule He walks with me home from school Cause he's a very, very nice mule When he was a baby my mother fed him gruel But now he prefers to dine on his own stool He always philosophizes with the rabbis after shul Cause he's a very, very pious mule When he sees a picture of a carrot he has a tendency to druel On Halloween he tries to scare me by dressing up as a ghoul He once challenged someone who stole my hat to a duel Cause he's a very, very Old school mule A needle-nosed plier is his favorite tool He lifeguards on a volunteer basis and the Rec. Center pool When I break down on the side of the road he shows up with unleaded fuel He's a devoted fan of Ms. Paula Abdul And also approves of the recent makeover of former folkie Jewel (coughing) When I told him Halle Berry's husband cheated he just shook his head and said to himself 'what a fool' Cause he's a very, very monogamous mule (snoring) Porkchop! Wake up, man, the session's not over! After several well-publicized arrests for public urination he now drinks exclusively O'Doul And every year he puts on a presentation at the Boys Club to show kids smoking isn't cool His favorite Elvis song is 'Don't be Cruel', no it's 'Hound Dog' I was just kidding you |
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| 16. |
| 5:16 |
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| 17. |
| 9:00 |
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I'm okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing....
Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM tomorrow morning in the main gym for us freshmen You playin? It's a co-ed game, so it's a good chance to see some hungover chicks run up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully have them back up into your morning dick wood while you D up... That could be nice You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers? Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell em I'm all situated here... Good deal... I'll be in the bathroom whackin it (phone dials and rings) ...that's because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered off, hello? Hey mom, I'm at school, I'm all moved in, everything's great... Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take? You mean left or right or... what do you mean? What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet? There's, like, five outlets and the window's in the middle of me and my roommate... Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy or snort heroine? I didn't ask him, mom... Well, if he does, tell him you're not interested... Not because you're a nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah(?) Okay, ma, sounds good... Yeah! I gotta get goin, there's an orientation party that's mandatory for freshmen to attend... Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the other kids, you say 'hi, my name's Tyler, here's to a sweet first year at college!' Uh... okay... You won't, but you should I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom... You say hello! It'll take you two seconds! They're all at the dinner table dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler's on the phone! (background) Man: Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College! Woman:Who's on the phone? Mom:Tyler, mom! Other Man:Let me talk to the superstar! Mom: Okay, here's your brother! Other Man:Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how's it hangin? Not bad, Pete... It's pretty awesome here... You gettin laid yet? Nah, just unpacked... But I'm sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few asses, right? Nooo... How's the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver? Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn't too bad, either.. they actually served chicken parmigian... Why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of college jugs and have them for dinner, you fuckin dickwacker? I'll work on that... DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober, cause Ronnie James Dio is playin up there... Oh, okay... Tell your roommate I got his bed Uh, you can sleep in my bed That's where Fitz is sleepin, you fuckin asshole! Man:Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone! Pete:Alright, dad! Sorry I didn't go to college like Alfred Einstein here, but I'm a person too! Dad:Just give me the phone, moron... How you doin kiddo? Good, dad... You enjoyin your freedom? Yeah... Don't get anyone pregnant... I won't... Okay... here's your grandma Dad, I don't have time! Dad:Say hello, there... Grandma:Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop? Pete:No grandma, it's the pharmacy Grandma:Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts come in? Cause, like, we're talkin about they're starting to spread towards the anus... Pete:Hahahahaha! Grandma, it's not Dimitri, it's Tyler... Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren't you here? We're getting ready to eat! Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to school... Oh, how marvelous! Well, don't study too much or you'll drive yourself bananas! Take some time for yourself too Thanks, grandma, I will College is supposed to be fun! Yeah... I had my first gal on gal experience in college! Ooh... Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for me! That's nice, grandma... Alright, don't pierce your nipples! I won't... Pete:You didn't know grandma dyked out before, did ya? No, fortunately she never told me... Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you beat your meat! Thanks... Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello! (fart) Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef? Yeah, nice job... Four straight seconds! Let's hear you rip one that long! I can't... Damn right, you can't! Cause they don't teach that in one of your stupid books! You're either born with it or you're not! Yeah, you got the magic... (doorbell) Hold on a second, dildo, someone's at the door... I can't hold on, I have to go! Mom:Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay! (Door opens) You gotta be kidding me.... Man:Hello, there... Mom:Bernie! What brings you over here? Bernie:I'm just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week Dad:That's not my drill, Bernie! Bernie:Well, I guess it's mine! May I eat now? Mom:Oh, that's why you came over... Bernie:Yes... Dad:Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair from the closet! Pete:Why can't grandma? Dad:Just do it! Bernie:Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how's your health? Grandma:My labia lips itch, but other than that, I'm fine... knock on wood! Dad:See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy! Grandma:True dat! (Everyone laughs) Hello? I have to go!!! Pete:Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don't crush that big hog of yours! Bernie:Pardon me? Pete:I said Tyler's on the horn from college Bernie:Quickly, give me the phone! (sniff) Why does this phone smell so bad? Pete:I dunno... I didn't fart in it! But I think my grandma crapped herself... Bernie:Oh, okay.. Tyler, it's Mr. Fetterman! Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin? Do you have a roommate, Tyler? Yeah, I do... I must speak to him immediately He's in the bathroom... Go get him and bring him to me, now! Okay... (knock) Hey Brandon! Brandon:Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... (flush) Yeah? What's up? Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute? Yeah, sure... Hello? Bernie: Hello to you, my friend! Who dis? The question isn't who I am, the question is who are you? Um... What does that mean? It means you can't escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn Tyler into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to your leader? Uh... Come again? What is your real name? Where do you hail from? Uh, Brandon Seikz, Im from Oceanside, Long Island... How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made in a factory on the planet Yumnatz! Really? I know this because I too have radar! I see... We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult... The choice is yours... Umm... I'll go with not difficult... Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know about the pidgeons, so that's not gonna work anymore! I also have buried the blender in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur! Did not say you were... Let's call it a truce, or let's call it the end of mankind as we know it! Either way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7? Oh, I get it... I'm on the radio! Then the message has been sent! Tyler:Just give me the phone, Brandon... Brandon:Nice talkin to yall! Bernie:Die, alien! Tyler:Sorry bout that, dude... Brandon:Not a problem! Tyler:Don't worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery pack, that'll take him out of the game... Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother... Right... and remember, no glove no love, alright? Yeah, I'll remember that... Nancy! Pete:Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new pussy friends! I will... Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy! Mom:Stop cursing! Pete:I wasn't, mom! Mom:Just go play with your cock and balls... Pete:Right away, mom... Alright, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo? Yeah, I did, mom... Take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see it... I will.. Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to your room Call ya? It's probly gonna be late, ma! That's no problem, we'll all wait up, bye bye! (click) Man, my family aint easy to deal with sometimes... Nobodys is! What, your family's a little nutty also? Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let em know I'm okay... You got it, I'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out Dee Snyder... Good deal...(dialing and ringing) Gay Robot: Hello? Hey dad! Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet? I'm workin on it Well, when you do, I'll come visit so I can fuck all your new brothers! You're too horny, dad! True dat! Hahahahaha Hahahahaha Good times... Great times... |
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Born in nineteen thirty-five in Brooklyn, NY
Son of Anna and Phil At nineteen years old he married my mother Judy And immediately paid his first Bloomingdale's bill Right away they started on a family Three smart kids popped out of mom's tummy But then one steamy* night dad forgot to wear his raincoat Nine months later out came the dummy But he took care of me Oh, 'Stan the Man' was my hero The coolest guy ever, I swear He stayed up all night making me a clay volcano That's how I won the science fair He was 6'2, 200 and 50 lbs. And as sweet as he was strong He was also known to be pretty well endowed But believe me he didn't pass that one along His fav'rite singers were Leo Red Bone and Johnny Cash His favorite ball players were Koufax and Micky His favorite restaurant was the state's delicatessen His favorite movie was 'Little Nicky' Sorry 'Godfather I and II' Maybe next time Yeah, 'Stan the Man' was my hero With a golf swing that made me cry He'd take their money and put it in his top dresser drawer Then I'd steal it so I could get high... But he ... beat that habit ... out of me So dad, Thanks for letting me stay up late to watch Johny Carson Thanks for coaching all our games in Livingston Park Thanks for telling me to always punch a kid in the face If he made an anti-Semitic remark Yeah, and don't worry 'bout mom We'll always look after her Me, Scott, Val, Liz, and the grandkids And when Jackie and I have children of our own We'll try to raise them just the way you did So say 'hi' to both my grandmas and grandpas Tell my dog, Meatball, I miss him so But most important, take advantage of being in heaven And go bang Marilyn Monroe Mom said it's cool ... just wear a raincoat Oh, 'Stan the Man' was my hero Still is and always will be 'Cause he didn't give too much crap about nothin' Except loving his family Well 'Stan the Man' is gone* But will always live on* |
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